RG Random Joke Archive Options

[HappyBuddha]

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?

Diarrhoea!

[LASERGUY]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[desireless]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,"I think he said: 'Holy Crap! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[CP]

Father was showing a machine he invented to son.
Father said " Son, what do you think of my invention?".He took pig,put it in the machine and at the other end out came sausages.
Son said "Dad,this invention no good.You should invent one where you put in sausages and out comes a pig"
Father,fuming but kept his cool and said
"Son,this machine no need to invent.Exist already - your mom.I put in the sausage,you're the pig"

[top_view_ranchu]

Willy was at this agricultural show. Came across this station that sell cow auto milking machine. Suddenly, a wicked thought came to his mind!
He immediately pay for one, and insisted on hand carrying although they provide delivery.
Rushed home quickly, can't wait to try on the machine.
Tore the box into pieces, and impatiently put his little Willy in......
Wow....that was the most unforgettable climax he ever had!
Then came the problem. He could not extract his Willy, no matter how he tried!
Out of dispair, he reached back for the box and found the manual.
Written clearly was....Auto release when reaches 2 gallons!

[Allan]

Q: What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?

A: What did you name the other one?!

[desireless]

Bar Bet
---------

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRAS."

[CP]

Bar Bet
---------

The local bar ..........
............replied," I work for the IRAS."

After which I would like to remind those who haven't........

LAST 2 DAYS TO FILE YOUR TAX RETURNS!!!!!!

[CP]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome ... and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"





The moral of this story is.....
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[desireless]

This one's for people who understands Hokkein.
===
One day, Ah Meng's grandpa was going home when he was suddenly hit in the head by a metal tin.

Grandpa called home from hospital and Ah Meng answered the phone. Ah Meng conveyed the message to his mother with eleven "gongs". Ah Meng's mother was perturbed... So ah Meng repeated:

"Gong-gong gong, gong gong gong-gong, gong-gong gong gong"
(Grandpa says, tin hit grandpa, and grandpa is giddy)

[CP]

PERFORMANCE IN BED

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under

Bankers do it with interest

Computer technicians do it with hard drives

DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

Engineers do it to specification (eg RF
engineers do it with frequency)
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way

Garbage men cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants pump all day

Housewives do it for an allowance

IT programmers cannot do it without software

Jockeys gallop hard but finish fast

Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Lawyers do it but never felt guilty

Mountain climbers like to be on top

Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free

Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!

But worst are those bloody politicians, all they do is talk
about it......

[goldrush]

Hahahahahhaah

How about you cp?

As a contractor you do it on a contract basis under no cover(hot sun.... )

[CP]

As a contractor I do it in Singapore to JB and some say Batam!!!

[goldrush]

My Dog Named SEX



Everybody who owns dog give it a usual name like Lassie,RintinTin or Lucky

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[goldrush]

Supermodels - Where's the runway..!!

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels' conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:

'We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing-assume the brace position immediately!"
The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"
Claudia responds, "I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses?
Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"

Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle".

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi, are you crazy?
Why are you exposing your crutch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds, "Bitches, please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is a black box!"