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[CP]

Why did the olympics torch skip the singapore leg?


















Too many ERP gantries!

[LASERGUY]

5 minute management course:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk,
and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed
the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied
the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[CP]

*Men's Pearls of Wisdom*





*1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.*

*2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.*

*3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' *

*4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.*

*5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.*

*6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.*

*7. Virginity can be cured.*

*8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. *

*9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*

*10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

*11.Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*

*12. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.*

*13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......*

*14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man*s life ? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*

*15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.*

*16. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!*

[LASERGUY]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into
a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room every! one says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"stomach, and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God...... "

This post has been edited by LASERGUY: Fri, 23 Oct 2009 7:10 pm